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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27318379">It’s A Million Times Harder When I Don’t Hate You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mini_Nate/pseuds/Mini_Nate'>Mini_Nate</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Heartbreak, Longing, M/M, Minor Oikawa Tooru/Hinata Shouyou, Missed Opportunities, Panic Attacks, Pining, Poor Kageyama Tobio, Post-Timeskip, Pro volleyball players, Sad Ending, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, Sad Kageyama Tobio, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:28:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27318379</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mini_Nate/pseuds/Mini_Nate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama had made the decision to talk to Hinata after their graduation. But in the meantime, he was okay with having Hinata as his best friend. He was okay with playing volleyball with him every day, studying together (or at least trying to) before exams, getting meat buns at the corner store after practice, walking home as Hinata pushed his bike next to him, listening to him complain about missing Kenma every week… He was mostly okay.</p><p>He was going to tell him about his feelings. Soon. But it could wait. He had time...</p><p>Until he didn’t.</p><p> <br/>Or, Kageyama learns the hard way that things don't always go according to plan.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou &amp; Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Only Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It’s A Million Times Harder When I Don’t Hate You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my entry for Day 1 of Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 !</p><p>A million thanks to <a href="https://twitter.com/carrochan">Carrochan</a> for encouraging me from the start and for beta-reading it. Also, thank you <a href="https://twitter.com/LunaMoon_28">Luna</a> for helping me brainstorm this!</p><p>I made a Spotify playlist to go with this story, feel free to listen to it <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5xzT4G2GEBSAlh3kyqSDK3?si=rCPHMKoLRNm-UDmKKYGXhw">here</a>. The title of the fic comes from the song Good Stuff by Griff (first one in the playlist).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To put it simply, Kageyama had been interested in volleyball since forever. It’s easy for him to remember when he fell in love with the sport. He felt a pull towards it from very early on, latching on it as a kid and never letting go since long before he knew how to put words on this fascination. But there was a distinct moment where he really fell in love with it, where he decided that this was the single most important thing he could be doing with his life. That moment had been when he was in fourth grade, and his grandpa had told him a simple phrase that would stay with him over the years.</p><p>"If you get really good... I promise you... somebody who's even better will come along and find you."</p><p>So yes, it’s easy for him to remember when he fell in love with volleyball. It’s a lot harder to pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with Hinata Shoyo.</p><p>Hinata Shoyo, who annoyed him <em>so much</em> when they first met. Who had the most amazing reflexes he’d ever seen, paired with a clear lack of training effort. At least, that’s how Kageyama perceived him at first. <em>Wasted potential</em>, his mind supplied.</p><p>His initial feelings for Hinata consisted of anger and resentment. He got over himself as he got to know him of course, but before seeing first hand how hardworking and motivated Hinata really was, he was angry. His mind kept going back to what his grandpa had told him years prior, and he couldn’t help but think that Hinata was <em>it</em>. That he was supposed to be his ‘someone who’s even better’, that he had been waiting for him to show up only for their first match to last 31 minutes at the very end of Junior High.</p><p>When they reunited in Karasuno High School, it only took a couple of weeks for him to realize that he had completely misjudged the other boy. That it wasn’t for lack of effort or laziness that Hinata’s technical skills were way below his potential. Hinata showed him every day that he was just as motivated as him. Forcing Kageyama to constantly run after him in order to not be left in the dust.</p><p>And Kageyama did not mind one bit. The view was beautiful.</p><p>His feelings for Hinata seemed to be constantly changing. The anger disappeared, replaced with respect. Followed by admiration, which at some point turned into longing. And somewhere down the line, his small crush morphed into love.</p><p>He’s not sure how long it took for him to realize that his feelings had stopped being platonic, but probably a lot longer than it should have.</p><p>He noticed how he would feel annoyance every time Hinata got confessed to by some girl as they exited the gym. It happened more and more when they neared the end of their second year. Tanaka mocked him, saying he was jealous of Hinata because girls were still too scared to confess to him. But Kageyama slowly realized that he wasn’t jealous of Hinata, but of the fact that he wasn’t the one confessing to him.</p><p>There wasn’t a single eye-opening moment for him. It was an accumulation of feeling like his chest was about to explode when Hinata smiled too brightly at him, of never wanting to let go when he grabbed his hand to pull him somewhere, of feeling his heart crack when he saw the shorter boy cry.</p><p>He probably can’t remember the exact moment he realized he was in love, because that realization wasn’t earth-shattering to him. Loving Hinata made so much sense, it wasn’t shocking or weird. His feelings for the boy had always been too intense, from the first second he saw him.</p><p>Putting words to his feelings didn’t make that big a difference. It’s not like it changed their relationship.</p><p>-------</p><p>Kageyama doesn’t know when Sugawara realized he had feelings for Hinata either. His gut feeling is that he was probably the first to know. For one, because of how long it took Kageyama to realize it himself, but also because Suga is just <em>that</em> observant.</p><p>In any case, he will never be able to express just how grateful he was that someone else knew. He stopped counting how many times they would meet up at the park and talk about it, even long after Suga had left Karasuno himself. He would listen to him, offering gentle smiles and asking questions, seemingly pleased to have found something his junior was so talkative about.</p><p>“Say, Kageyama,” he would ask him one day around the end of his second year, “why don’t you talk to Hinata about this ?”</p><p>Kageyama shrugged, staring intently at a patch of grass by the swing sets.</p><p>“I don’t think Hinata is interested in that kind of thing. Every time he got confessed to, he rejected them saying he only has time for volleyball. I don’t want to put him in an awkward situation, especially not while we’re on the same team.”</p><p>He faced Suga, who was watching him intently, before continuing, “We have time though, it’s not like we’re in a rush. It can wait until after we graduate from Karasuno.”</p><p>And he had meant it. He had made the decision to talk to Hinata after their graduation. But in the meantime, he was okay with having Hinata as his best friend. He was okay with playing volleyball with him every day, studying together (or at least trying to) before exams, getting meat buns at the corner store after practice, walking home as Hinata pushed his bike next to him, listening to him complain about missing Kenma every week… He was mostly okay.</p><p>He was going to tell him about his feelings. Soon. But it could wait. He had time...</p><p>Until he didn’t.</p><p>-------</p><p>One day towards the end of their third year, before morning training started, Hinata came to him with a smile that could rival the sun and eyes full of stars. It was always a good look on him. But that day, when he announced that he was leaving for Brazil after graduation to learn beach-volley, Kageyama felt the earth tilt on its axis. This couldn’t be happening. He had waited all this time for the timing to be right.</p><p>“B-Brazil?” he had asked in such a soft voice he wasn’t sure Hinata would hear him.</p><p>“Yes! Coach Ukai, Takeda-sensei, coach Nekomata and coach Washijo have been helping me organize all of it.” He was so excited he was bouncing on his feet.</p><p>Kageyama gulped. “Why do you want to switch to beach-volley? Isn’t regular volleyball good enough?”</p><p>“I mean, yeah! Indoor volleyball is still definitely what I want to do! But I need to get better. I need to be able to do everything! Spike, block, set, receive...I need to be able to do all of it super well if I want to become number one. In volleyball, the team with the strongest six wins. But in beach volleyball, you’re only two players to protect your side of the court!”</p><p>“You… have really given this a lot of thought,” was all he could get out. Hinata had made all these plans - life changing ones - and he hadn’t mentioned them to him before today. He would understand if Hinata was thinking about training in a different prefecture, maybe even in a neighboring country. But Brazil? Why Brazil?</p><p>It seemed he had spoken the question out loud without realizing, when Hinata answered him.</p><p>“The coaches have been asking all around to see if they had connections in Japan, but to no avail. There’s a Shiratorizawa alumni who switched to beach-volley and is now coaching in Rio though! That’s why I’m going there, he will coach me too! This is so exciting!!”</p><p>And yeah, even if he could hear his heart slowly cracking, Kageyama could also clearly hear the excitement in Hinata’s voice. He had worked hard for this opportunity, and he wanted to do this. Kageyama decided that all he could really do was to support him.</p><p>While he was half listening to Hinata rave about his plan, he came to the realization that he could not tell him about his feelings at graduation as planned. If he did, and Hinata also liked him, it would be like putting him on the spot and asking him to choose between a potential relationship and his dreams. And if he didn’t like him back, he would be leaving with things being awkward between them, and Kageyama did not want that.</p><p>He had already waited two years, he can wait some more. Kageyama would cling to the “See you later!” thrown his way as Hinata went home the day of their graduation. He will come back to him, right?</p><p>-------</p><p>Things changed a lot after that day. Most importantly, Hinata left. But he wasn’t the only one, even if he was the one who went the furthest away. Tsukishima, Yamaguchi and Yachi all went to University in Tokyo, and Kageyama was recruited by a professional team and started playing volleyball full time. Their little friend group, formed over the past three years, went their separate ways.</p><p>Volleyball without Hinata felt…different. It still felt amazing, of course. But during the first few months of joining the team, he noticed how when pushed against the wall at the end of a tiring set, his eyes would automatically search for a blur of orange in his peripherals, waiting to hear a shout of “I am here” that never came. When he saw a cool play on youtube during break time, he would turn to show it to Hinata, only to be reminded that he was sitting alone.</p><p>An unlikely friend he made during that time was none other than Ushijima Wakatoshi, the ace from Shiratorizawa himself. They had been recruited by the same team, the Schweiden Adlers, and spent a lot of their down time in companionable silence.</p><p>He and Hinata kept in touch as much as possible. At first they were messaging every day, but they quickly realized it wasn’t a feasible rhythm. Between the time difference, Kageyama’s intense training with the Division 1 team and Hinata’s job as a delivery boy on top of his beach training, the calls and messages quickly dwindled to once every couple of weeks. Sometimes less, sometimes more.</p><p>Kageyama liked to think he wasn’t a dramatic person. He knew a lot of dramatic people (Tanaka and Nishinoya, Nekoma’s Lev and Fukurodani’s Bokuto, to name a few) and he was convinced he had nothing in common with them. So why was it harder to breathe since Hinata left? Why did it seem like all colors had drained, only to leave him in a world just a little more dull? Why did he feel like dying after a few days without news from him?</p><p>He sounded like a heartbroken teenage girl, even to his ears. He never expected it to be so hard. But every time he thought about giving up and try to forget about the other boy (as if it was that easy), Hinata would send him a selfie displaying his thousand watts smile with a sunset or sunrise in the background, accompanied by a short text wishing good luck on his match. And Kageyama would remember why he loved him. He would remember why it was worth the wait. And the phrase “he will come back to me” would circle his mind on loop, making moving on impossible.</p><p>Despite his cheerful appearance, Hinata wasn’t shy about admitting his fears and struggles to his friends. After first arriving in Brazil, he would talk a lot about missing the language, food and just Japan in general, about his struggles with learning Portuguese, about his annoyance at getting lost in the new city (as if he didn’t also used to get lost in his own hometown). He would talk about how he was lonely and sometimes dejected at his slow progress on the sand.</p><p>As time went by though, those complaints dwindled down until he was almost constantly talking about how he liked it there, the new people he had met, the excitement he experienced when he mastered a difficult play he had been working on for a while. Of course he still had low days where all he wanted was to be able to speak Japanese with his friends. He had been gone for almost a year by now, and still suffered from homesickness somewhat regularly.</p><p>One day, as Kageyama was getting ready in the lockers room in the early morning, he checked his phone by force of habit and felt his lips pull in a small smile when he saw that Hinata had just sent him a photo. Judging by the time in Rio, he expected a sunset. Maybe a selfie if he was lucky.</p><p>Opening the message, Kageyama quickly realized that he was not, in fact, lucky. Quite the opposite actually.</p><p>On his screen was indeed a selfie of Hinata, but he wasn’t alone. He was with none other than Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama’s old senpai and the person who probably came closest to his and Hinata’s arch-nemesis during their first year at Karasuno. Except that Kageyama was clearly the only one still thinking that way three years later.</p><p>The selfie showed them both grimacing happily at the camera, Oikawa’s arm slung carelessly over Hinata’s shoulders.</p><p>Kageyama felt his blood turn to ice as he studied it, incapable of looking away. What was Oikawa doing in Brazil? Why were they at the beach together? Had Hinata invited him? Not that Kageyama had the time, but Hinata had never asked him to visit...</p><p>A tap on his shoulder woke him from his stupor. He looked up to see Ushijima standing in front of him with a somewhat worried look on his face.</p><p>“Are you okay Kageyama? He asked. You’ve been staring at your phone for a few minutes, looking like you’ve just received bad news.”</p><p>Unable to articulate a reply, Kageyama just showed him his phone, still displaying the photograph. The look of utter confusion and bewilderment on Ushijima’s face as he looked at it would have been funny under other circumstances.</p><p>Their tense silence was interrupted by one of their teammates rushing them towards the court to start today’s training. Kageyama stored his phone in his locker, but the picture did not leave his mind for the rest of the day. He was rarely distracted when playing volleyball, but when he was his performance was impacted enough for his teammates to wonder what was up.</p><p>That evening as he lay in bed, unable to sleep, he tried to rationalize his feelings. Why was he so stressed out about that picture? So what if Hinata had invited Oikawa over for unknown reasons. They could be friends now. After all, high school was over and the school rivalries were behind them.</p><p>Who was he kidding. He wasn’t stressed about them becoming friends. He was panicking at the idea that Hinata was far away, homesick, and Oikawa was there for him, a tangible reminder of home. His mind kept supplying various scenarios, but the common element to all of them was the terrifying idea of them getting together.</p><p>Oikawa was a flirt, always had been. Would he woo Hinata with long walks on the beach, holding his hand under the moonlight? Would he invite him out to the restaurant, or to one of those clubs they probably had in South America? Would Hinata actually be the one to go after him first??</p><p>Sitting up brusquely, Kageyama realized something that could possibly change his whole perspective. He was pretty sure that Oikawa was already in a relationship, and had been for a while, with Iwaizumi Hajime.</p><p>Before he could think about what he was doing or how late it was, his phone was in his hands, typing a message to Iwaizumi. He had given him his number on graduation day, grumbling about giving him a call if he ever needed help that he couldn’t get from his other senpais. After all he was still, in both their minds, his senpai too.</p><p>Before he could change his mind, the message was sent.</p><p>
    <kbd>Did you see the picture of Hinata and Oikawa?</kbd>
</p><p>Surprisingly, the reply came pretty fast.</p><p>
  <kbd>Yeah, someone posted it in the Seijoh group chat.</kbd>
</p><p>Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows at that.</p><p>
  <kbd>You mean Oikawa didn’t send it to you directly?</kbd>
</p><p>He looked at the three dots signaling that Iwaizumi was typing disappear and reappear a couple times, dread filling him.</p><p>
  <kbd>We, uh, haven’t talked in a couple of years.</kbd>
</p><p>Closing his eyes tightly, his phone pressed against his forehead, Kageyama let out the most pitiful whine to have ever come out of his mouth. That was the last hope to calm his nerves, and he’d lost it.</p><p>
  <kbd>I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>It’s ok, you didn’t know. I’m curious tho, why did you ask?</kbd>
</p><p>Kageyama looked at the message for a few seconds, thinking about his answer. He had two options here, lie or tell the truth. His mind was made quickly. Despite what one might think when looking at him at the moment, he was an adult and would act like one. He also really did not want to lie to Iwaizumi.</p><p>
  <kbd>I wanted to confirm that Oikawa was currently in a relationship.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>Ah. Are you scared he will make a move on Hinata?</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>...yes. It’s stupid, sorry for bothering you.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>It’s not, I know how you feel. Does he know?</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>No, it doesn’t feel like something I want to tell him over texts.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>I see… If it’s any consolation, I think Oikawa was just in the area. He’s been stationed in Argentina for a while now, but I remember him saying that his team often traveled around for practice matches.</kbd>
</p><p>Kageyama could feel his breathing getting easier after he read that text. So, Hinata probably did not invite Oikawa to Rio then. It was all just a coincidence. Maybe. Before he could think more about it, he received another message from Iwaizumi.</p><p>
  <kbd>It doesn’t mean that he won’t go back now. I know you want to talk to Hinata face to face, but Oikawa has a tendency to take what he wants when he wants it.</kbd>
</p><p>Kageyama doesn’t know how to interpret that message. Did Oikawa cheat on him ? It doesn’t feel like something he can ask, not on the first night of them getting back in touch.</p><p>
  <kbd>Thank you for the advice. I will think about it.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>No problem. Let me know if you’re free sometimes next week, it would be nice to catch up over a drink or something.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>Ok, I’ll text you. Good night.</kbd>
</p><p>
  <kbd>Good night.</kbd>
</p><p>Catching up with Iwaizumi did seem like a good idea. It might take his mind off Oikawa and Hinata for a few hours at least.</p><p>-------</p><p>And Kageyama was right, spending time with Iwaizumi did help take his mind off his current situation. Over the next month, they met for coffee once, twice, five times and then he stopped counting. They went out to eat some nights when Kageyama was done with training and Iwaizumi was free from studying. But mostly, they talked.</p><p>It would seem surprising, what with both of them being seemingly quiet and stoic on the outside. But they did have a lot in common, and tucked in the corner of a small ramen shop, away from prying ears and wandering eyes, they both felt more free to talk about their feelings than they usually would.</p><p>Iwaizumi told him what happened between Oikawa and him. He explained how they were indeed dating back in high school, how Oikawa was everything he ever wanted in life, how he was comfortable with him like he never was with anyone else.</p><p>Then he told him how Oikawa decided to leave Japan without consulting him. How, while Iwaizumi was looking at him, Oikawa looked straight ahead, and kept running forward without checking if his precious Iwa-chan’s hand was still in his. How he had to make peace with the fact that every time, Oikawa would choose volleyball over him or their relationship.</p><p>And it’s not like he wanted to change him, god no. He fell in love with Oikawa Tooru as he was - shitty personality and obsessive compulsions included. He knew all along that he would always occupy the second place in his lover’s life. And he was fine with it, mostly.</p><p>No, he <em>was</em> fine with it. But Oikawa wasn’t. Oikawa was off in Argentina, training with the best, meeting new people, learning a new language, making all those new experiences. And Iwaizumi was holding him back.</p><p>After months apart, it became too much for him. And just like his decision to train abroad, Oikawa made that one on his own. He ended the relationship, stating it was for the best for both of them. And maybe in his head it was true. Maybe he thought that he was also holding Iwaizumi back from living his life. Maybe he thought himself unworthy of his love, because he was unable to reciprocate it to the same extent.</p><p>Iwaizumi tried to make him understand that it wasn’t true, but he quickly realized it didn’t matter. Oikawa didn’t end the relationship for his sake. He’d done it for his own selfish reasons, like he did most things.</p><p>Kageyama was shocked silent listening to this story. He’d known both of them for years, and from the outside they always seemed to have a somewhat unbalanced dynamic. With Oikawa requiring a lot of Iwaizumi’s attention, and the shorter one seldomly giving it. He never thought that in reality, the situation was reversed.</p><p>“I still love him, you know?” Iwaizumi said, looking at the content of his glass.</p><p>Kageyama just nodded. He knew. It was evident from listening to Iwaizumi talk.</p><p>“I don’t know if thinking about him will ever stop hurting. If the feeling like I missed my one chance at happiness will ever fade. If some day I’ll stop wondering if I could have done more, tried harder, been better.”</p><p>His phone lit up on the table, signaling a new message in the Seijoh group chat. After looking at it for a few seconds, Iwaizumi turned the screen towards Kageyama.</p><p>“But I don’t want you to have to feel the same way. Like you missed your one opening because you didn’t take the leap when you could or should have.”</p><p>His brightly lit phone displayed a picture of Oikawa smiling proudly, a volleyball in his left hand, the right one holding onto Hinata’s shoulder. A Hinata who is blurry and clearly in the middle of talking when the shot was taken. However, the shape and shade of the hickeys littering his neck are unmistakable.</p><p>Iwaizumi had been right. Oikawa did go back to Brazil, and he did take what he wanted. Kageyama sensed his body grow cold, from the tip of his fingers to the core of his heart.</p><p>The two men finished their beers in silence.</p><p>-------</p><p>Two whole years after he left Japan, Hinata announced his return home. His old teammates from Karasuno as well as his family were waiting for him at the airport. Kageyama could hardly believe it.</p><p>The phrase “he will come back to me” had cycled his mind so many times in those two years, it almost started to lose its meaning. But here he was, standing among Hinata’s closest friends, waiting for him to land back in Japan.</p><p>And suddenly Hinata was there in front of him. In all his tanned and freckled glory, his smile as big as ever. Kageyama felt warm for the first time since he left.</p><p>Things that day were extremely chaotic. Everyone was so excited to see Hinata again and all had so much to tell him while simultaneously wanting him to share stories of his time in Brazil. His parents had organized a small get together at their house, and the celebrations lasted well into the night.</p><p>Kageyama had fun, more than he remembered having in a while. He stayed by Hinata’s side as much as possible, drinking his beer and taking in every bit of information the other man shared. He also took the opportunity to catch up with Yachi and Yamaguchi while Hinata was being his usual social butterfly self. Tsukishima was also there, but the two of them were actually pretty up to date with each other’s lives since the blond started his pro volleyball career.</p><p>Sometime during the evening, Hinata stood on a chair with his drink in hand and called for everyone’s attention.</p><p>“Thank you all for being here tonight, it really means a lot to me. I missed you so much while I was away, and I’m very grateful for the support I received from all of you. And thanks again for the money, Kenma!”</p><p>Laughs could be heard and Kenma could be seen hiding in his hoodie, Kuroo by his side giving Hinata a thumbs up.</p><p>“I learned a lot while I was away and I actually have news to share tonight!!” He exclaimed, so excited Kageyama thought he was going to fall off the chair. He wasn’t the only one apparently, as Daichi swiftly moved closer.</p><p>Bokuto hooted from somewhere on his right, vibrating with just as much excitement as Hinata.</p><p>“I am pleased to announce…that…I have been recruited by the division 1 pro team Black Jackals!”</p><p>There was a very short moment of silence before cheers were heard from everyone present. Hinata smiled so hard it was impossible for Kageyama to look away as he clapped vigorously.</p><p>He was familiar with the name Black Jackals. His team played them on occasion for official and practice matches. His heartbeat picked up when he realized he was probably going to play against Hinata again at some point.</p><p>Finally.</p><p>It seemed like their meeting on the first day of the tournament in Junior High was a lifetime ago, and in a way it was. The day Hinata promised he was going to beat him some day. The promise he had been unable to honor before, what with them both ending up at Karasuno.</p><p>When Hinata’s eyes met his, he sensed it. The promise. Hinata was back, he was better, he was ready. The fire in him was as blinding as ever, and Kageyama was ready to get singed.</p><p>At that moment, his decision was made. They would have their match. They would finally be opponents, the fated rivals facing each other during an official match. They would give it their all and settle that old promise. And Kageyama would make a new one. Hinata’s fling with Oikawa had probably ended before he left Brazil, and Kageyama was confident in his chances.</p><p>After their match, he was going to confess. It felt right. He felt at peace again, knowing he had a plan. All he needed was a date, but he could always talk to his coach and see what could be done.</p><p>He had a plan, and everything was going to be alright.</p><p>And he was right, setting up the match between the Schweiden Adlers and the Black Jackals teams was even easier than he thought it would be. After mentioning it to his coach the next day, a couple phone calls were made and he was told things would be handled. He was giddy. The date was set.</p><p>He threw himself into training, even more than before. He needed to be in peak condition for this match. And the fact that his calls with Hinata gained in frequency helped a lot in keeping him on track.</p><p>Hinata, Yachi, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima and Kageyama were meeting on a semi-regular basis to have a meal together and catch up. Those were Kageyama’s favorite nights. It’s like he was back at Karasuno, just spending time with his friends, being a carefree teenager again. Except volleyball practice was replaced with talks about their respective teams, studying for exams was replaced with paying bills, meat buns were replaced by fancier meals and Hinata always left the restaurants in a car instead of on his old bike.</p><p>He realized that Hinata was the glue that held their friend group together. With his return, things were finally back to normal. Well, as normal as they could be with Hinata not playing by his side, and them not being teenagers.</p><p>After what appeared like an excruciatingly long wait, the day of the match finally arrived. The excitement was palpable, and not just on Kageyama’s part. It appeared to be the match of the decade for a lot of people.</p><p>Because the match’s lineup was filled with players from what the media called “the monster generation”. He knew a lot of alumnis from his High School years were coming. He knew that all his old teammates from Karasuno were in the stands of course, as well as some of his old teammates from Kitagawa Daiichi, including Iwaizumi. Old players from many teams came to support their friends, and the energy surrounding the stands was electric. The Shiratorizawa team came to cheer for Ushijima, Fukurodani was here for Bokuto, Inarizaki for Miya, Itachiyama for Sakusa, Kamomedai for Hoshiumi, and there were even a few players from Date Tech.</p><p>He knew he would get to see a lot of old friends and old acquaintances after the match, but it really wasn’t what was on his mind. The only thing he could focus on, except for the volleyball before that, was Hinata. And the fact that he was about to confess to him after all these years.</p><p>When the match came to an end, it seemed like it had only lasted 10 minutes while simultaneously it felt like it had lasted hours. The Adlers lost, but Kageyama couldn’t find it in himself to be disappointed. It was an incredible match, for the players as well as for the spectators. Playing it was fun, and playing against Hinata was even better than he could have imagined.</p><p>He was mesmerized, watching him fly. It had been hell for those two years he’d been away, but Brazil did do Hinata a lot of good. He’d always been interesting, but now he was enthralling. And to think this was his first match with the Jackals! He could hardly wait to see his progress after months, years of training with a professional team.</p><p>“Tell your boyfriend he’s amazing,” Hoshiumi said, lying on the floor next to him while trying to catch his breath.</p><p>Kageyama almost corrected him by reflex, before realizing. He needed to walk over to the other side of the net. He needed to congratulate Hinata, and talk to him. He actually has somewhat of a speech ready, and he accepted the excitement bubbling in his chest. The look Ushijima gave him indicates his emotions must be visible on his face, but he really does not care. He just needs to make his way over and talk to Hinata.</p><p>After taking a steadying breath he steps forward, his eyes set on bright orange with an even brighter grin on the other side of the net. Suddenly, his view gets obstructed by a taller man sporting the number 13 on his back who reached Hinata first, stopping in front of him. Kageyamacan’t hear what they’re saying, but he sure as hell can see when Miya Atsumu picks Hinata up and starts spinning him around, both of them laughing, clearly elated by their most recent win.</p><p>Kageyama reached the net and stopped dead in his tracks. Why was Hinata cradling Miya’s face between his hands? Why did he wrap his legs around the other man’s middle?</p><p>If Kageyama possessed any sense of self-preservation, he would listen to the voice in his head telling him to look away. A voice that sounded strangely like Iwaizumi. But he couldn’t look away. He was physically unable to do so.</p><p>The Adlers had lost the match, that was undeniable. The score on the board was there to prove it.</p><p>And Kageyama had just lost for the second time that day. The sight of Hinata and Miya kissing in the middle of the packed arena under the sound of the cheers was there to prove it.</p><p>Kageyama had never been as conscious of his heart as in this moment, when it was being ripped in half. The crowd disappeared around him, leaving him standing alone in an empty court. His friends were gone, his fans were gone, his teammates were gone… And Hinata was gone.</p><p>Of course no one was really gone. The arena was still filled to the brim with life and laughs and cheers. But Kageyama couldn’t see or hear any of it.</p><p>So he just left.</p><p>The sound of the locker room door slamming close behind him was as deafening as the silence in his head. Mechanically, he undressed and headed for the showers. He moved on muscle memory only, reaching one of the stalls and turning on the water.</p><p>He doesn’t know exactly when he started crying, but the silent tears mingling with the water falling from the showerhead slowly turned into choked sobs too hard to really keep silent. He didn’t care, figuring his teammates would probably chalk it up to losing the match, even though it was very out of character for him to react this strongly to… well to anything.</p><p>But really, he did not care.</p><p>He had lost, again. He had messed up, let his one chance at happiness fly by. His mind was struggling between the empty void that filled him since he saw the man he loved kissing another, and a sadistic loop of said kiss playing endlessly behind his closed eyes. Sitting on the shower floor was all he could do to not collapse, trying to regulate his breathing while clutching his knees.</p><p>If he was at home, the water would have turned cold long ago. Kageyama completely lost track of how long he stayed in the stall, mind disconnected from his environment. He vaguely registered the locker room growing more and more silent as he sat there, unmoving.</p><p>When his legs started to cramp from the uncomfortable position on the floor, he painstakingly got up and made his way towards his locker. Luckily, he was alone. He’s not sure he could have chalked up the state of his face on the match.</p><p>He was the last one to exit the stadium, walking slowly down the corridors, the sound of his steps echoing loudly against the walls.</p><p>Pushing the front door open, he realized the sun had set. Exactly how long had he been sitting in the showers? He doesn’t really care, he’s just surprised. No wonder the arena was empty.</p><p>After stepping outside, he noticed someone sitting on a bench a few meters away. Iwaizumi. The only person who could look at his red and puffy eyes and understand. Because he saw everything from the stands. He saw the kiss, he saw the dejection and heartbreak on his friend’s face. So he waited. Because he knew how much it hurt when you missed your one chance. And he wanted Kageyama to know he’s not alone.</p><p>Wordlessly, Iwaizumi walked towards him, extending his hand. And Kageyama took it, eyes welling up with tears he didn’t know he had left. They didn’t say a word, they didn’t have to. Iwaizumi just pulled him closer and hugged him, telling him what he needed to hear.</p><p>You’re not alone. I am here. I know. It’s gonna be ok. I am here. You’re gonna be ok.</p><p>Kageyama doesn’t believe him, not really. But he let himself be held as he cried, because he didn’t have the strength to do anything else.</p><p> </p><p>----- 1 year later -----</p><p>For once, Kageyama woke up without the sound of his alarm. The sunlight was streaming through the bedroom window, curtains fluttering softly in the morning breeze. Today was his day off, and he had some sleep to catch up on.</p><p>Stretching his long limbs for a few seconds, he looked at the white ceiling overhead. His only plans for today were to sleep in and have coffee with Hinata later in the day. He had texted him earlier in the week to ask when his day off was and upon realizing it was on the same day as his, had offered that they go out for coffee and cakes. It was not often these days that they got to hang out, so of course Kageyama said yes.</p><p>By now, he has given up on Hinata ever returning his feelings. And he’s mostly ok with it, focusing instead on being happy for his best friend who is thriving, both in his professional career and in his relationship. It hurts, but Hinata deserves to be happy. And he deserves to have his best friend’s support.</p><p>With time it became easier to conceal how he suffered when he saw Miya Atsumu holding Hinata’s hand, or pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He doesn’t feel less, but he hides it better. He doesn’t want a repeat of what happened after the Adlers/Jackals game last year.</p><p>Kageyama is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Iwaizumi moving about in their kitchen. Probably making breakfast, he thought, before getting up.</p><p>After a quick stop by the bathroom, he stopped by the counter and saw that Iwaizumi was almost done cooking.</p><p>“Morning,” he rasped in the other man’s ear, arms wrapping around his middle in a back hug in front of the steaming pot.</p><p>“Good morning,” Iwaizumi replied with a kiss on his cheek, while still stirring the soup. “Hungry?”</p><p>Kageyama just hugged him tighter and nuzzled the junction of his neck and shoulder, which clearly told Iwaizumi ‘yes’, so he filled bowls of soup and rice before nodding to him to take them to the table.</p><p>They sat down and ate in comfortable silence. It’s not everyday that they get to eat together, since their schedules aren’t always aligned, but they enjoyed it when it happened. Their shared silences were always companionable, mutual understanding suspended in the air.</p><p>After that fateful match a year ago, they got closer and ended up moving in together a couple months later. In their friend’s eyes, their relationship was a cute one. Senpai and kouhai, turned high school rivalry enemies, turned cute grumpy silent boyfriends.</p><p>They never saw the need to correct them. First of all, they had never been enemies. Kageyama and Oikawa had, but Iwaizumi was never part of it, not really. Second of all… their relationship was hard to describe, but the term boyfriend appeared ill-fitted to them.</p><p>They lived together, and often acted like a couple. But both of them knew the other was in love with another man. They also knew that settling for each other was better than being alone. After all, they understand each other so well. It’s not love, but it’s comforting. They like what they have, and it translates in their exchanges being littered with soft touches, physical contact being a way for them to remember they’re not alone. It can range from a hand on a forearm, a kiss behind the ear, two pinky fingers intertwining, or two naked bodies pressed together as much as possible in the darkness of a shared bedroom. It’s not love, but it’s what they both need.</p><p>“You’re going to see Hinata today?” Iwaizumi asked him after finishing up his food.</p><p>“Yeah, he wants to get coffee. It’s been a while.”</p><p>There is no awkward moment. They just know what the other is thinking.</p><p>Iwaizumi nodded, getting up.</p><p>“Be careful,” he whispered in his ear before kissing him softly.</p><p>It’s not a threat, and it has nothing to do with his physical wellbeing.</p><p>Kageyama finished getting ready and left their apartment soon after, on his way to the cafe Hinata picked.</p><p>When he arrived at the café, Hinata was waiting outside, glowing. His smile was so bright Kageyama had to look away for a bit. He’s glad to see him happy, even if it’s not thanks to him.</p><p>“Kageyama!” He shouted, darting around the other pedestrians milling about the area.</p><p>“Hinata dumbass, be careful before you knock into someone,” he chided, opening the door for him when he reached it.</p><p>They ordered their coffee and sat down at a table by the window, Hinata seemingly unable to stay in place as his hands played with his cup and his knee bounced under the table.</p><p>“So, Kageyama,” he started, “how are you? Is training going well? There were scouts at our practice match the other day. I’m not sure what scouts are doing at pro matches but they were there! Have they been to your matches too? Hey, did I tell you Natsu joined the basketball team?”</p><p>Unphased after years of knowing Hinata, Kageyama listened to him ramble on for a few minutes, sipping his drink.</p><p>“I’m good,” he said when Hinata stopped to breathe. “My knee has been acting up a bit recently, but we’re taking care of that with the coach. As for the scouts, I’m pretty sure they’re building the National team for the Olympics.”</p><p>Kageyama wanted to tell him not to worry about it. After all it’s pretty certain they will both make it. He’s had this image in his head, both of them dressed in Japan’s red, standing on the world’s stage. He couldn’t wait for it to happen. But before that...</p><p>Excited was not the word for the state of frenzy Hinata seemed to be in that day.</p><p>“You seem a bit all over the place, are <em>you</em> all right?”</p><p>“Argh, uh, yes! Sorry, I just-” he took a big breath, before blurting out yet another phrase that made Kageyama stop dead in his tracks.</p><p>“Tsumu asked me to marry him last night, and I said yes!” he explained, grining so wide it had to hurt. He proudly showed off the silver band ornating his finger. The ring that Kageyama had previously managed to miss.</p><p>Now it was the only thing he could see.</p><p>He didn’t know what face he was making, couldn’t focus on anything other than that ring and the loud voice screaming in his head that he had lost again, and for good this time. He was vaguely aware that Hinata was still talking, but the sounds didn’t reach him. It was as if his ears were full of cotton, or that he was underwater.</p><p>Yeah, that was it. He must be underwater. After all, he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see and he couldn’t breathe. For a minute, he was tempted to just give up and let the water fill his lungs.</p><p>But then Hinata’s eyes found his. He was still grinning, and his hands were clasping Kageyama’s on the table.</p><p>“Kageyama, we’ve been friends for years and your support has always meant the world to me. Would you please do me the honor of being my best man?”</p><p>Ah, there it was. The final nail in Kageyama’s wooden heart.</p><p>For a few moments, all he could do was look at Hinata, truly look at him. He looked undeniably happy, that’s for sure. His eyes were shining, his smile as big as ever. He had that healthy glow that never went away after his time in Brazil, fluffy orange hair framing a face that lost its childhood’s chubbiness, cheekbones accenting the size of his eyes.</p><p>His eyes had always been expressive, and from up close they were unable to lie. Hinata was happy. Probably the happiest he had ever been.</p><p>And who was Kageyama to tarnish Hinata’s light. He was never meant to do more than look at it from a respectful distance. He was lucky enough that Hinata wanted him in his life.</p><p>He had nothing to offer him. Nothing other than his friendship and unwavering support.</p><p>He knew without the shadow of a doubt that his own happiness had died a few minutes prior. That he would never be truly, wholly happy, ever again. It almost sounded dramatic to his own ears, but what could he do.</p><p>The man he had spent years loving was marrying someone else. How much more pathetic could he get.</p><p>But it had never been about him. It never really had. It was about Hinata and what he deserved.</p><p>And Hinata deserved everything, deserved to be loved and cherished by someone who was not emotionally stunted like Kageyama. He deserved Miya Atsumu. He deserved Miya’s unashamed displays of affection, he deserved to be shown off proudly to the world. He deserved to wake up every morning knowing he was loved and would be for the rest of forever.</p><p>And with that, Kageyama knew what he had to do.</p><p>“Of course, Hinata dumbass… Of course I’ll be your best man.”</p><p>The answering smile he got was all he needed to know he had done the right thing. He needed Hinata to keep smiling like that for as long as possible, even if it was for another man.</p><p>He would be okay in the end. Probably.</p><p>If he spent hours crying that night, while Iwaizumi carded his hand in his hair and mumbled soft reassurement in his ears, no one except them needed to know.</p><p>-------</p><p>A few months later, on the day of the wedding, Kageyama went through his morning routine in somewhat of a blur. He honestly felt nothing. He hadn’t felt a thing for a while now. It was probably the only way his brain had found to protect himself.</p><p>Feeling nothing was better than feeling pain after all.</p><p>He sensed Iwazumi’s gaze on him as he went about his business. He could hear the silent question: ‘Are you sure?’</p><p>If Kageyama had been able to feel anything, his feelings would probably annoy him. What did Iwaizumi want him to do? Hinata deserved to have his friends by his side on his important day. Kageyama could do that much for him.</p><p>But Kageyama couldn’t feel anything. So he ignored Iwaizumi and finished getting ready.</p><p>They made their way towards the venue in silence. Iwaizumi drove, his hand clasping Kageyama’s over the central console.</p><p>He could do this.</p><p>When they stepped out of the car, even Kageyama had to admit that it was beautiful. The warm weather permitted an outdoor wedding, which really suited the couple. The multiple tables surrounding the dance floor were littered with sunflowers and the overhead fairy lights were sure to add a mystical air once turned on in the evening. On the side stood a simple wooden arch, decorated with white fabric draped over it and more sunflowers.</p><p>The number of chairs facing the arch was proof of just how popular the two men were. Even with an intimate ceremony of only family, friends and teammates, there were more guests coming than the number of people Kageyama had spoken to in his whole life. He had a fleeting thought on how much smaller the ceremony would be if he was one of the grooms, but immediately shut it down.</p><p>Kageyama noticed Miya Atsumu standing a few feet away, laughing loudly at something Daichi said. He looked good in his black tuxedo, with his blonde hair swept back to expose his forehead. The rosy tint on his cheeks, paired with the dimples that seemed to be permanently adorning his cheeks, indicated that it wasn’t his first laugh of the day, and certainly would not his last.</p><p>Kageyama looked away.</p><p>He could do this.</p><p>He focused on Iwaizumi’s hand clasped in his, as they made their way towards some of the guests who had already arrived. He was not surprised to see it was mostly their old teammates from Karasuno, as well as a couple of Hinata’s current teammates. Suga gave him a soft smile that Kageyama was unable to reciprocate, but he knew that most people wouldn’t bat an eye at this. He was not the most expressive person in the group, after all.</p><p>After dodging one of Tanaka’s powerful slaps aimed at his back, more by reflex than really wanting to get away from the hit, he let Iwaizumi know that he had to get going and made his way towards the small house next to the open area they were in to find Hinata.</p><p>Calls of “Take good care of him!” and “Make sure he doesn’t get cold feet!” rang after him as he walked away. He could feel Iwaizumi’s gaze on him the whole time, but decided to focus on the task ahead instead.</p><p>After stepping in the little house, he stopped in his tracks at the sight that greeted him.</p><p>Hinata was beautiful.</p><p>He was standing in front of a tall mirror in a white suit that brought out his hair and freckles, his sister fussing over him with a can of hairspray and a comb.</p><p>The deal was that Kageyama was the official best man, but for all intents and purposes Natsu was doing all the best man work. It worked for them, and Kageyama could admit that he probably wouldn’t have been able to do as good a job as Natsu anyway.</p><p>“How do I look?” Hinata asked, meeting his eyes in the mirror.</p><p>Beautiful. Perfect. Breathtaking. Magnificent. The words came to Kageyama in such quick succession that he was unable to voice any of them. He shouldn’t, anyway.</p><p>“Dumbass, you look fine. Don’t disrespect Natsu’s hard work at making you look presentable by fishing for compliments,” he gruffed.</p><p>Hinata laughed in reply, the banter between then as easy as ever.</p><p>Yes, he could do this.</p><p>“Man, I’m so excited,” Hinata exclaimed as his sister walked away, apparently satisfied with his hair. “It’s like, every time I relax a bit my heart starts going GWAAAH! and I’m excited all over again!”</p><p>Kageyama focused on brushing non-existent dust from Hinata’s shoulders, only humming in answer to show he was listening.</p><p>“You think everyone has arrived yet? I kinda want to just get out there and say hi to everyone… I’m ready now and it’s not like I’m the bride.”</p><p>“Then go out and say hi. When I came in more people were showing up. You have quite the crowd gathered,” he softly replied.</p><p>And that’s how, a few seconds later, Hinata came out running and shouting his greetings to his friends, his happiness palpable for all to feel.</p><p>Kageyama made his way back to Iwaizumi’s side, but before he could really focus on Nishinoya’s crazy travel story they were interrupted by Miya Atsumu himself.</p><p>“Sorry to disrupt the storytime, but can I borrow my fiancé’s best man for a sec?” He asked, looking quickly at the group before focusing on Kageyama.</p><p>Seeing no valid reason to refuse, he followed the half-blonde man as they walked away from the other guests. He tried really hard not to let the taste of ashes overtake his senses as he heard the phrase ‘my fiancé’s best man’. He had no right being mad, the statement was true.</p><p>When they stopped, Kageyama kept his gaze quietly averted, focusing instead on the sunflowers littering the table closest to him. They reminded him of Hinata’s eyes.</p><p>Next, he looked at the grass after realizing the flowers also reminded him of Miya Atsumu’s hair color.</p><p>When the silence stretched for a few seconds too many, Miya cleared his throat and started talking.</p><p>“I wanted to thank you,” he said, a hand clasping his neck showing how awkward he felt in the moment.</p><p>Kageyama looked at him in confusion, unblinking. What.</p><p>“Uh, I mean-” He dropped his hand to his side. “I wanted to thank you for always being there for Shoyo. I really appreciate it.”</p><p>Kageyama was truly at a loss for words.</p><p>“Of course I’m there, we’re friends,” he tried, eyebrows scrunching up. He really did not want to have this conversation.</p><p>“Argh, this is harder than I thought,” Miya whined before looking Kageyama straight in the eyes. “He cares about you, and your support has always been a big help for him. I am grateful that ya stayed by his side even if your feelings weren’t mutual. You never let things get awkward and he needed that.”</p><p>Kageyama’s breath hitched. What. What in the world was Miya going on about? Did he know about Kageyama’s feelings for his soon-to-be husband ? Was he about to tell him to never see Hinata ever again after today? Panic filled him faster than he thought was possible.</p><p>Apparently unaware of the chaos going on in the other man’s head, Miya continued talking, his gaze falling on his fiancé talking with Bokuto further away.</p><p>“When I met him in high school, I really thought I would never stand a chance,” he spoke softly, but loud enough for Kageyama to hear every syllable clearly. “There was just something in the way he looked at ya that told me to stay away and spare my poor feelings, y’know?”</p><p>Panic turned to dread in Kageyama’s heart. What was going on? Miya couldn’t possibly be saying what he thought he was saying. No no no no-</p><p>“When we met again after he came back from Brazil, he told me ya didn’t return his feelings, and at first I was elated because there was my chance, y’know?”</p><p>Kageyama was lightheaded.</p><p>He could not do this.</p><p>“But then I realized, I didn’t want Shoyo’s happiness to be shadowed by a Tobio-kun sized hole in his chest. He deserves to be fully, wholly happy.”</p><p>Miya’s smile brightened, his eyes still fixed on the orange-haired man.</p><p>“I quickly realized it wasn’t going to be the case. Ya stayed his friend, and kept supporting him, and things didn’t really change between ya guys. And for that I’m thankful, ‘cause Shoyo deserves to have his best friend by his side.”</p><p>Kageyama was underwater again. It was worse than all those months ago in the coffeeshop when Hinata had dropped the bomb on him. Ten thousand times worse.</p><p>He… He actually had a chance. At some point, in the past, he had a chance. And he missed it. The realization made the pain burn even brighter in his chest. He had truly fucked up. What did he do or say that made Hinata so sure his feelings were unrequited? How did he never notice anything, despite spending all their time together watching Hinata?</p><p>He should have said something before their graduation from Karasuno. He hesitated and chickened out so many times, always finding excuses. If only he had known…</p><p>He’s brought back to that day at the park with Suga, back when he was so sure that Hinata was rejecting every confession he received because he was only interested in volleyball. Could he...back then...oh god. Could Hinata have been waiting for him to confess?</p><p>He barely heard Miya excuse himself as he ran off to stop Bokuto from doing whatever dumb thing he was about to do.</p><p>
  <em>He could not do this.</em>
</p><p>When he could focus again, Iwaizumi stood in front of him, hands gripping his shoulders, shaking him lightly.</p><p>“Tobio? Hey Tobio, focus on me ok? Breathe, it’s ok, just focus on my voice.”</p><p>Slowly, his words became more clear to Kageyama. The darkness surrounding his field of vision cleared a bit, giving place to the bright sunlight, forcing him to close his eyes. His breath still came out sacaded, but Iwaizumi’s breathing instructions seemed to help.</p><p>“Hajime-” he stopped, unable to voice his thoughts. Unable to say out loud what he had just learned. Unable to make it even more real than it already was.</p><p>“It’s ok, you don’t need to say anything. Just focus on breathing.”</p><p>Iwaizumi handed him the chilled water bottle that had apparently been in his hands the whole time, and Kageyama downed half of it in one gulp, uncaring as some of it made its way down his chin to dampen his shirt collar.</p><p>Another hand landed on his shoulder, and Kageyama almost jumped out of his skin. He relaxed a bit when he realized it was only Suga.</p><p>“Kageyama, are you ok? Can I do anything?” The silver haired man asked, concern etched in his soft features.</p><p>Of course, out of everyone present, he would be the one to notice Kageyama going through it. He was always the most perceptive when it had to do with his small displays of emotions after all.</p><p>Unable to reply, he just squeezed Suga’s hand still on his shoulder.</p><p>After a few more minutes of calmly breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth, Kageyama straightened a bit and looked at the two men next to him.</p><p>“Um, sorry about that,” he told them, the shaking of his voice now barely noticeable.</p><p>“Nonsense, don’t ever apologise for having human emotions,” Suga interjected.</p><p>Iwaizumi nodded next to him, his hand still squeezing Kageyama’s shoulder as a sign of support.</p><p>“You wanna talk about it ?” He asked, looking him straight in the eyes.</p><p>Kageyama thought about it for all of three seconds before shaking his head ‘no’. Saying it out loud would make it too real. He could not afford to crumble, not today. Today was Hinata’s day, and he promised to be there for him. He was his best man, for god’s sake!</p><p>A few deep breath later, he appeared somewhat ready to go back to their friends and act like nothing has changed. Because nothing had.</p><p>He had to do this…</p><p>The next few minutes passed by in a blur. In the blink of an eye, he was standing on the left side of the arch, watching Hinata take his place in front of Miya. Next thing he was aware of, everyone was cheering and clapping around them, Bokuto, Nishinoya and Tanaka hollering way louder than everyone else. He was pretty sure Hinata was crying for a while there, but he was unable to really focus on anything. Then Iwaizumi tugged him by the hand towards one of the tables where everyone was already sat, ready to feast.</p><p>Gripping Iwaizumi’s hand under the table, Kageyama kept his gaze trained in front of him. In the back of his mind, he thought that the food would probably look good if he was anywhere else. As it was, he was incapable of swallowing more than a couple of bites, opting for surreptitiously moving bits and pieces around his plate, trying to keep his face emotionless to not spoil the dinner for anyone else. It wasn’t that hard, since he didn’t actually feel any emotion at the moment.</p><p>Miya stood up and asked for everyone’s attention.</p><p>Ah, the speeches.</p><p>“I want to start by thanking y’all for being here,” he started, “it means a lot to Shoyo and I that ya came to share our special day with us.”</p><p>Kageyama only caught bits and pieces, his mind miles away from his body.</p><p>“...- met Shoyo in high school, I instantly understood that this was a turning point for my future in volleyball. I mean, I wasn’t wrong! The games we played on MSBY so far are like, the best of my life. But I had no idea it would be the turning point for my future, period.”</p><p>Kageyama’s gaze found Hinata, who looked at his fiance- no, his husband, with unshed tears. His eyes shone so bright, Kageyama couldn’t look for more than a few seconds.</p><p>“For years now, I’ve been livin’ by my old high school motto: ‘We don’t need things like memories’. It’s good thinking to make sure ya don’t get too big of a head, y’know? Don’t let yer past accomplishments define how ya act now, and all that. But today, I can’t help but feel like it doesn’t work every time cause I’m here, next to my wonderful husband, about to spend the rest of our lives making memories together. And I really, really want those memories to stay with me at all time.”</p><p>Kageyama stopped listening at that point, the Inarizaki motto spinning in his head. ‘We don’t need things like memories’. Maybe he should try applying that to his life. Because at this point, he felt like memories was <em>all</em> he had. Memories of playing volleyball with Hinata, memories of fluffy orange hair under the cherry blossoms on his last day at Karasuno, memories of the warmth he experienced with another, smaller hand in his. All he had were memories, and all they did was hurt him.</p><p>He noticed that Miya was finally sitting again, and that his voice at some point had been replaced by Hinata’s over-excited one. If he was able to feel anything other than the deep emptiness of his chest, Kageyama would feel bad for missing most of his speech. But as it was, it was probably for the best. There’s only so much hurt he can take, after all. Probably.</p><p>His attention got pulled in when Hinata’s voice got progressively louder and he vibrated in his spot.</p><p>“-and I know this has nothing to do with our wedding but we’re probably never going to have all the people we care about in the same space at the same time again so I have an announcement!” He exclaimed.</p><p>“A few of you already know, for obvious reasons. But ‘Tsumu and I both got recruited to be on the National team for the Tokyo Olympics!”</p><p>The explosion of noises, shouts, whistling, and cheers was deafening. A few of the guests stood up, some waving shyly like Aran or Yaku, others being obnoxiously loud like Bokuto and Hoshiumi. Oikawa was there too, and for some reason he was as loud as Bokuto. If he was in his right mind, Kageyama would immediately ask Iwaizumi if he was ok, as he hadn’t noticed that Oikawa was present.</p><p>But in the middle of all that joy, Kageyama was frozen in his spot.</p><p>It shouldn’t come as a surprise. It really, really shouldn’t. He hadn’t been playing his best the past few months, since his chat with Hinata in the café. He should have expected this.</p><p>But in some twisted, horrifying turn of events, he hadn’t. His head had still been filled with images of the ‘freak duo from Karasuno’ standing together on the world stage.</p><p>Except that it was not going to happen. Because he never received the call.</p><p>He didn’t make the National team.</p><p>The fleeting thought of ‘how many times can a heart be broken in a day’ came to him, as he watched Hinata and Miya fistbump, smiles so big they must be hurting, Hinata clearly mouthing “teammates for life” at his husband.</p><p>At this point, Kageyama’s foundations weren’t shaking. They were gone. It was like he was floating in his body, or like someone else was in control of it. That feeling in itself was scary enough for someone like him, always so deliberate with each movement. His whole life revolved around how precise and exact every action he took was.</p><p>At that moment, everything felt foreign, limbs unresponsive making it impossible to move a muscle. He just sat there, immobile on the outside. But inside, he was screaming.</p><p>Miya Atsumu had truly taken his place as Hinata’s partner, in every sense of the word.</p><p>When everyone went quiet again, Iwaizumi shook his shoulder, whispering about his speech.</p><p>Ah right, it was his turn to make his speech. As Hinata’s best man.</p><p>The fact that he managed to take the piece of paper it was written on out of his pocket and stand up without collapsing was nothing short of a miracle. He looked at the faces watching him, and saw Suga. Suga who was looking at him like he knew. Suga who was telling him he can do this.</p><p>This is the last thing he has to do. For Hinata’s special day, to make sure it’s perfect.</p><p>He can do this.</p><p>Clearing his throat, Kageyama looked down at his paper. And in a voice that sounded foreign to his own ears, he spoke.</p><p>“Um, hello,” he started, “for those of you who don’t know me, I’m Kageyama Tobio. Hinata’s best friend and best man. I’ve had the chance to know Hinata since our last year of Junior High, even though it didn’t feel like ‘chance’ to either of us back then.”</p><p>He can hear a few chuckles from the audience, probably their old Karasuno teammates. Taking a deep breath, he continued.</p><p>“It’s no secret that Hinata Shoyo is like...the human personification of the sun or something. He just attracts light wherever he goes. I’m sure that many of you have seen your life brightened by his presence. I for sure did. He saw more in me than what I was awkwardly presenting the world, and considered me an equal even as he ran way ahead of me.”</p><p>Taking a deep and shuddering breath, he steeled himself for the last part of his speech.</p><p>“For years now, I have been greedily accepting Hinata’s light. I- we have all benefited from him making our lives better, and it’s time someone gives him back a portion of that. Hinata has been the happiest I’ve ever seen him since he came back from Brazil. He came back to Japan all grown up and better at volleyball. He also came back to a team, and he came back to Miya Atsumu.”</p><p>If his voice cracked at the end of the name, no one mentioned it.</p><p>“I am sure that everyone here will agree that Hinata Shoyo deserves to be happy. For the longest time, probably no one, not even himself, thought that could happen with anything else but volleyball. But sure enough, he managed to find someone who could give him both.”</p><p>“So I will raise my glass to Hinata Shoyo and Miya Atsumu,” Kageyama said, holding up his campaign flute and seeing everyone do the same.</p><p>He looked Miya straight in the eyes as he ended his speech with the words.</p><p>“Make him happy.”</p><p>Everyone cheered and drank to that as he sat back down, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. Iwaizumi’s hand found his, and the minutes following the end of his speech were a blur. Distantly, Kageyama was surprised he managed to go through the whole thing. He didn’t even think to check for Hinata’s reaction.</p><p>He heard the beginning of Miya Osamu’s best man speech, something that sounded like “Oh man, I should have gone before him, my speech is just 7 minutes 36 seconds of me roasting ‘Tsumu and it’s gonna be weird now!” to which the crowd laughed.</p><p>But the only thing on the forefront of his mind was to get another drink. He grabbed the flute of something from Iwaizumi’s hand and downed it, the taste of it not even registering.</p><p>When the last speech was over, Kageyama stood up and made his way over to the bar, only bumping in a couple people on the way. He’s never been so unaware of his surroundings. He could hear laughs and some music, but he wasn’t really sure why anyone would be happy at the moment. The concept felt so foreign to him.</p><p>When he reached the bar, Kageyama grabbed one drink in each hand and downed them too. He started to feel a faint tingle in his fingertips, and that was the most he’s been able to feel all day save for the pain in his chest. It’s reassuring, really. His body still works, somehow. He’s been feeling like an outsider in his own skin since he woke up that morning, but the more he drank the more his body felt like <em>his</em>.</p><p>When the tingling sensation spread from his fingertips to the rest of his body, Kageyama realized that Iwaizumi was no longer next to him. Did he even walk to the bar with him? He’s not sure. It was hard to focus on his thoughts, the images flowing by, just out of reach. But he didn’t really care. He just had to find Iwaizumi.</p><p>Kageyama slowly made his way back towards their table, nursing what he’s pretty sure is a glass of whiskey, but quickly realized that the table was empty. Everyone seemed to be on or around the dancefloor by now, so he made his way there.</p><p>In the middle of it was the couple of the hour, of course. Kageyama averted his gaze, focusing on the other guests instead. It’s not much better.</p><p>Bokuto and Akaashi were dancing next to Hinata and Miya Atsumu. For once, Bokuto’s hair was not spiked in his trademark owlish style, instead it was down and swept to the side. Akaashi seemed to like the view, his eyes not leaving the other man’s face as he babbled endlessly in the middle of their dance.</p><p>Miya Osamu was dancing with a dark haired man who’s name Kageyama doesn’t remember, but he’s pretty sure he was on the Inarizaki team during their first Nationals. Next to them were Yaku and Lev. The picture of them dancing together might have been enough to make Kageyama smile if he was in his normal state. But as it is, they were just another happy couple rubbing it in his face.</p><p>Someone bumped his shoulder, apologizing immediately. It was Suga, dragging a pouting Daichi behind him on their way to the dancefloor. That should be his cue to move and stop helplessly watching all the happy couples.</p><p>He walked around the crowd, trying to spot Iwaizumi. He had to walk around Koganegawa and Tsukishima, who seemed to be bickering about dancing and not dancing. He’d almost circled the whole area by now, reaching the less crowded spot where Kuroo and Kenma were slow dancing, on a completely different beat than the music that was playing.</p><p>Ripping his gaze away from the softly swaying couple, he finally spotted Iwaizumi and stopped in his tracks, almost tripping over his feet.</p><p>Iwaizumi was kissing Oikawa.</p><p>Tucked in the shadows, away from the dancefloor and the party, Iwaizumi was kissing Oikawa.</p><p>Kageyama didn’t even realize his feet were moving, not until he was close enough to grip Oikawa’s shoulder and rip him away from the other man.</p><p>Completely ignoring the taller man’s screeching as he sputtered next to him, Kageyama’s eyes were locked with Iwaizumi’s, who looked as shocked as he felt.</p><p>“Tooru, can you give us a few minutes please?” Iwaizumi asked, not breaking eye contact with Kageyama.</p><p>“Of course, just come find me when you’re done Iwa-chan,” he replied, before taking his leave to go do god knows what.</p><p>Kageyama’s tongue felt like lead, the glass in his hand unfortunately half empty as he chugged the rest of it, wincing as the strong taste made its way down his throat. He blamed the moisture in his eyes on that.</p><p>The silence between them was heavy, and Iwaizumi broke it first.</p><p>“I’m sorry Tobio…” he said, and he does sound sorry.</p><p>Kageyama didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand.</p><p>“Why,” he croaked, unable to formulate his thoughts more eloquently.</p><p>“It wasn’t planned,” Iwaizumi started, “I know it’s not the most important right now but I want you, no, I <em>need</em> you to know that this was not planned.”</p><p>His alcohol addled brain was unable to understand what the hell Iwaizumi was talking about. And apparently Kageyama said as such, since he started explaining.</p><p>“He just came back from Argentina, from what I understood his long term boyfriend cheated on him or something, and Tooru decided to come back to Japan after that to-”</p><p>“He’s using you,” Kageyama interrupted him. “You have to know that he’s using you?”</p><p>At that Iwaizumi averted his gaze, seemingly focusing on the dancefloor a few meters away. Kageyama still didn’t understand.</p><p>“I don’t care…” Iwaizumi says softly. “He said he wants to give us another chance, Tobio…”</p><p>“He’s not in love with you!” Kageyama finally exploded. “He’s just using you as a rebound because you’re familiar, comfortable and he <em>knows</em> you will never cheat on him because he <em>knows</em> you’re in love with him!”</p><p>“I… I know that, I’m not stupid,” Iwaizumi answered, his eyes finding Kageyama’s again, “but I don’t care. I would rather have Tooru like that than not at all. I know, and you know too, that he’s my happiness. I was just given another chance when I thought I had run out of them long ago. I am not missing it again.”</p><p>Kageyama was at a loss for words. With everything that happened with Hinata, when he felt the ground unstable under his feet, the knowledge that Iwaizumi would be there with him had been what helped him through most of it.</p><p>“I really am sorry,” Iwaizumi continued, unaware of Kageyama’s internal turmoil. “I shouldn’t have kissed him before talking to you. I know our relationship has always been more one of convenience than love, but that was wrong and I am, truly, sorry.”</p><p>Kageyama felt his body grow cold. He thought his hands were shaking but he wasn’t too sure, couldn’t really feel them. His blurry vision let him know his eyes were wet again, but he was also not sure exactly why. He wasn’t sad.</p><p>Well, to be more accurate, he couldn’t discern any recognizable emotion going through his head at the moment. He knew what sadness felt like, had experienced it many times in his life. What he felt at that moment was nothing like that. He was free of pain, for a moment at least.</p><p>All he felt was a cold and dark void filling his chest and consuming everything, extending towards all his extremities until he truly couldn’t feel a thing. Until he was left empty, weightless and hollow. Completely dissociated from everything going on around him.</p><p>Feeling nothing was better than feeling pain, right?</p><p>He vaguely heard Iwaizumi calling after him as he walked away without a word, but it was as if he didn’t recognize the voice.</p><p>And so, he walked.</p><p>He left the wedding without a word. Bypassed the parking lot, since they came in Iwaizumi’s car anyway, and just kept walking in a direction he was not fully sure was towards his place. His mind, after having been blissfully empty for the past several minutes (hours?), finally started reeling as he drunkenly stumbled over his own feet.</p><p>He was still cold, that much he could feel. His heart felt like it was broken, which it probably was at this point. Hinata was married, Hinata who returned his feelings at some point but went on with his life without him. He’s not on the National team with his friends. Iwaizumi left him. His thoughts were spinning.</p><p>He had no idea how long he’d been walking, but at some point he noticed a fine line of light over the horizon, indicating the imminent sunrise. He stumbled on a bench, his right knee giving up on him. Right, walking in dress shoes for an extended period of time probably wasn’t the brightest idea for his injured leg.</p><p>Kageyama remembered his teacher in kindergarten explaining to the class that if you looked at the sun directly for too long, it would hurt your eyes and could even make you permanently blind. He let out a dry chuckle at the seemingly random thought. That would explain why after all that time spent looking at Hinata, his peripherals slowly became shrouded in shadows, leaving him in darkness. Would this be permanent, too? Would he ever be able to see properly again or would he have to fake being okay for the rest of his life, never quite convincing enough?</p><p>But who cares at this point, he thought bitterly as the pain pulsed up his thigh.</p><p>He should probably call a cab and go home. He should probably call his coach and book a doctor's appointment. He should probably move out, since he can’t keep living with Iwaizumi now.</p><p>But really, what’s the point.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading ! It was my first time writing angst. Kudos and comments are always appreciated !</p><p>A visual of what the wedding venue looked like <a href="https://weddingestates.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/design-my-wedding-venue.jpg">here</a>.</p><p>Again, I'm sorry Kags...</p><p>You can find me on Twitter : @purrfectkuro</p></blockquote></div></div>
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